the 10 hottest cartoon women of all time

 

Ihsan Magazine - Can we all agree that in order to have a really kick-ass movie or TV show there needs to be a hot-ass girl? Can we? Just look at Archer, which aired its season two premiere on FX last night. Yeah, the show would be hilarious with just the titular dickhead secret agent (voiced by H. Jon Benjamin), but the reason we have to watch is the sassy, sexy, and voluptuous agent Lana Kane (Aisha Tyler). Her talents cannot be contained by two dimensions! Got a problem with grown men crushing on animated women? OK, that's reasonable, but look at her! C'mon! There's no shame in our game (or complete lack of game, which leads to us sitting at home watching cartoon women) so we honor the return of Lana and her boobs to the tube by counting down the 10 hottest cartoon women of all time. OF ALL TIME! 

10. POCAHONTAS, POCAHONTAS (1995)

This movie is insanely historically inaccurate, so we’re not sure how good Pocahontas looked in real life, but we're not mad at Disney for making her look like a model. Disney gets major props because, honestly, you don't see many hot-ass Native American chicks in movies. To get a whole movie with one was sweet. Hey, what can we say, we're big on diversity.

9. TINKER BELL, PETER PAN (1953)

Yeah, she’s like three inches tall, so smashing would be impossible (unless God had a sick sense of humor when creating you). But come on, she’s hot. Plus, she’s a fucking fairy! That's gotta be good for some wishes or good karma or some shit.

8. TEELA, HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE (1983-1985)

Need proof that He-man was a swordsman of another sort? He never once tried to smash Teela. And Teela was riiiiight. During Masters of the Universe’s run, there wasn’t a horny teenage dude alive who wouldn't have traded places with He-Man just to get some alone time Teela.

7. CHUN-LI, STREET FIGHTER II: THE ANIMATED MOVIE (1994)

Nudity will get you a long way on one of our lists. And that’s what Chun-Li gives us in Street Fighter II: The Animated Movie. More specifically, she gives us a shower scene and humongous, wet cartoon tities. Top 10 status right there.

6. PRINCESS ARIEL, THE LITTLE MERMAID (1989)

Some say it'd be impossible to smash because she's too sweet and wholesome, or because she has fishy smelling fish parts below the waist. Personally, we suspect that she's into freaky water sports, and so what if she does smell like a Red Lobster kitchen? Who doesn't love Red Lobster?

5. WONDER WOMAN, SUPER FRIENDS (1973-1986)

How could we not have the most famous female superhero of all time on our list? It would be blasphemous. We don’t need to convince you that Wonder Woman, with that little one-piece suit and the Lasso of Sadomasochism Truth, is hot. We’ll just point this out: She has her own fucking jet.

4. LANA KANE FROM ARCHER (2009-PRESENT)

Lana is the reason we even bothered to make this list. She’s been on the scene for about a year now, and she's already ready smashed 70 years of hot cartoon characters. Just look at her stats: She’s pretty, has a crazy body, a good job with benefits, and she is feisty to the point that she might kill you if you fuck with her. We can't think of a better way to go out.

3. ESMERALDA, THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME (1996)

Esmeralda? This high? Yep. Don’t punish her just because she was in one of the more depressing and unmarketable Disney movies (The Hunchback of Notre Dame? What kid gives a fuck about that?) She’s just as hot as any Disney character you could name. Also, she’s the only Latina on our list, which is shocking considering how fucking hot Latinas are. But then you remember, it’s Hollywood, so actually, yeah it’s about right.

2. PRINCESS JASMINE, ALADDIN (1992)

You know you’re gorgeous when you’re supposed to be an Arab princess, yet you talk like someone who lives in southern California, and no one even thinks to question that shit. That’s Princess Jasmine right there. Listen, if you were born in the '80s, this was your first love right here. Don’t try to deny it: the eyes, the puffy Hammer pants, her dark hair, the eyes, the eyes�it was all perfect.

1. JESSICA RABBIT, WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1988)

Officially still the baddest ever. Since the '80s, no one has even come close to touching her crown. She is so bad that when Melyssa Ford first came on the scene and started calling herself Jessica Rabbit, well, fuck it, we're not going to lie, we got a little tight. The crazy shit about Jessica Rabbit is she was a dime, yet she was married to goofy-ass cartoon Roger Rabbit! A fucking bunny! It was easily the Jermaine Dupri and Janet Jackson relationship of the late '80s.